Dear fellow Americans,
I have had an epiphany and I feel it is my civic duty to share it with you. Donald Trump is an American hero. He is bringing so much attention to the real issues and we need to thank him immediately. I have never heard of a person who is so determined to stop the racism in this country that he is willing to spend all this money running for president and pretend to hate half the people in America, turn everyone against each other and take a complete shit on the nation just to show everyone around the world how racist this nation still is and prove that we have not made the progress that we thought we did. He is sacrificing himself and our generation to teach everyone a lesson! I know what you’re thinking. Now it all makes sense! I was always wondering why he was running for president too, but now i figured it out… You see, Donald Trump is playing a game called “Let me prove to you how racist America still is.” Other names for this game include, but are not limited to “How much stupid shit can I say before people stop supporting me,” and “How many times can I get away with saying something disqualifying without being disqualified.” After conducting an expert analysis, I have uncovered Trump’s master plan to shed light on all the worst qualities of Americans, with an end goal of ultimately bettering the nation. You know what they say, you have to hit rock bottom before you can start going up. It gets worse before it gets better. He decided to take the most literal approach here. How haven’t other politicians thought of this?! Pure. Genius.
To begin, Donald Trump needed to test that his plan would work so he started by making the most absurd statement in politics to see if people would follow. That statement was, “Hi, I’m Donald Trump and I’m running for president.” After receiving support from that sentence alone, Trump knew his plan was a go. Shortly after, the real planning began. Trump’s team of experts held a formal meeting and decided that the only way to accurately depict Americans tendency to follow like a herd of sheep and fall into manipulation would be to look back at everything former presidential nominees have done, and to do the complete opposite. Mr. Trump was given specific instructions to go about everything in the least American way possible. Given that all highly respected people in society, especially politics, conduct themselves in a professional manner and speak formally, the Trump team decided that would not be allowed. Trump needed to speak at a third grade level, not only because he needed to appeal to the less educated groups, but to prove that America has lost their minds. That’s when the team of professionals crossed out “Immigrations detrimental effects on society are forcing us to consider alternate methods of controlling the flow…” and replaced it with BUILD A WALL. Also, it was decided that rather than using websites and platforms to discuss ideas, Trump would use Twitter as his official connection to the American people. He could use this to tweet crazy insults at three in the morning and even had the luxury to write whatever he wanted the second it popped into his head, such as “I’ve never seen a skinny person drink a diet pepsi.” Basically, the point was to turn the whole election into a reality show, with inspiration from hit shows Keeping up with the Kardashians, Jersey Shore and Rick Kids of Beverly Hills. Now that the tone was established, Trump would kick things off by going on stage cursing and yelling. Then, he would encourage the audience to beat up protestors and offer to pay the legal fees. The Trump team wanted to do the things that have never been done before in presidential races such as plagiarizing speeches, proposing we assassinate the opponent, telling people to vote on the wrong day and coming up with catchy nicknames for all opponents and getting them to trend on twitter (Lyin Ted, Crooked Hillary…) Then the time came for the debate between Republican nominees. Before these debates, the nominees are all asked to take an oath stating that in the event that they are chosen to run in the general election, they will continue to run as a Republican. Since all other candidates take part in this tradition, Trump stuck to his plan and refused to participate. Then Trump found out that in the past 30 years, all presidential candidates have released their tax returns, so he did not. Then he discovered that it was standard for presidential candidates to release their medical records, so he did not. Lastly, all presidential candidates respect the democratic system of voting in America and agree to accept the results of the election, no matter what. So just for fun and games, when Trump was asked if he would accept the results of the election he was like ehh we’ll see. So now we know that everything past presidential candidates have been doing was totally unnecessary! Now we know that someone can disrespect the whole system of American politics and still be accepted as a politician. Now we know that Americans are susceptible to following pretty much anything if it’s entertaining. THANK YOU TRUMP.
Trump didn’t end it here. He really needed to step up his game if he was going to prove that Americans were not as smart as they are given credit for, not learning from past events and have not made as much progress as it says they have in those history books kids read in school. In order to do this, Trump needed to channel some of the worst people he could think of. First, he decided to subtly mirror the degrading ideas of Hitler by suggesting that all Muslim people wear something to show that they are Muslim. Then he decided to propose the idea of banning an entire religion from a country and the idea of mass deportation. Next, he thought of a ruthless dictator, Putin, and decided to say he thinks Putin is great and wants to be his best friend. Soon, endorsements poured in from the KKK as well as Nazi organizations, and Trump accepted them. When asked about the KKK endorsement, Trump said he could not condemn a group he hasn’t fully researched. So now we know that American’s are not learning from history. Now we know that slowly, step by step, they can be persuaded to support the most ridiculous of ideas. Now we know that they are willing to look past the candidates associations with the worst groups in history and in America currently if it will benefit them. Now we know that prejudice and abandoning the American way are not enough to disqualify a candidate. THANK YOU TRUMP.
Trump really wanted to continue his research on how absurd of comments he could make, while still receiving support from a large number of people. He decided to think back to important, devastating, historical moments in American history, and make a big fat joke out of them. First, he thought of the assassination of beloved president John F. Kennedy. He made light of this tragic moment in America by stating to everyone that his opponent Ted Cruz’ father is responsible for the assassination of JFK. He decided to continue this dark humor by suggesting to his followers that they use the second amendment to take care of Hillary Clinton, hint hint. I didn’t know that a candidate would be allowed to say that and not be disqualified. I also didn’t know that the media would stop talking about such an outrageous suggestion because they are busy talking about emails for the 32,347th time. Anyways, then he thought of 9/11 and lied about seeing Muslim people in America celebrating on that day. He also bragged about how his building was the tallest in Manhattan after 9/11. Trump also decided to refer to saddening war stories and made fun of a senator who served in the military and was captured and tortured for years saying that “I like people who weren’t captured.” Next, Trump decided to refer to more recent tragedies such as ISIS and did the craziest thing a presidential candidate can do and announced that the current president of the United States is the founder of a terrorist organization. Now we know that you can say pretty much anything and everything and still be in the running to become president, and I did not know that before so THANK YOU TRUMP.
The Trump team decided that the main goal of their mission was to prove that Americans were not as evolved as we thought and are willing to support a racist candidate. He went about this by going after minority groups: specifically Black people, Mexican people and Muslim people. After he insulted each group, each in a unique way, Trump realized that not only were people still willing to support him and look past his racist comments, but they were actually AGREEING with him and throwing in some racist comments and actions of their own. Now that people saw a POSSIBLE LEADER was voicing his racism, they thought they shouldn’t hide their racist thoughts anymore. They thought, now it’s okay to beat up the Mexican kid in class and tell him he’s going back to Mexico and to tell the black passenger on the subway she should get up for you and to tell the innocent Muslim woman to get out of America. And now because of Trump, we KNOW for a fact that racism is still alive and well ladies and gentlemen. I knew it was, but not to this extent so THANK YOU TRUMP for enlightening us. However, Trump was smart enough to realize that people may be thrown off by the fact that we have a black president, so maybe racism isn’t as prevalent as we think. He quickly took care of that by starting a conspiracy that Barack Obama was 1. not born in the United States and 2. is a Muslim terrorist and proved how many people believed that! I never knew that people were so uncomfortable with having a black president that they insist he was not born here, even with a birth certificate as proof. After all of this, Trump only has a 2% approval rating from black people, but has countless white supporters. This shows me that sometimes, unless you are a person who regularly experiences racism, you are not able to identify racism when you see it. You are less likely to see that someone is racist because you do not know what racism looks like (or maybe you just don’t care)? I thought we actually made a lot of progress, but I was wrong! Thanks for shedding light on the issue Trump. I didn’t know THIS many people were okay with racism. Honestly, THANK YOU TRUMP.
Since Muslim people only make 1% of America, Mexican people make around 17% and so do black people, Trump decided he needed to insult more people. The thing about Trump is that he is an overachiever, you see. He realized that women made up 51% of the population. JACKPOT! He actually proved that he can insult over half the people living in this country (refer to previous blog post for details) and still be supported. I think he deserves some kind of award for that. Trump showed me that women have not made the progress that they believed they had. He showed me that young girls growing up in America still have a lot to worry about. He even showed me that some women do not mind being disrespected and that they have accepted it as being the norm. Officially, Trump has insulted well over 70% of the population and is still supported by many. We now have concrete evidence that a candidate can pretty much insult anyone (except white men) and still be neck in neck in the polls with another candidate. This is all just so educational so THANK YOU TRUMP.
After following his plan, Trump felt a little bad every so often. I mean he’s been insulting people left and right, so it’s only natural. He decided to make up for it and say hey listen! I don’t hate Mexican people, I don’t think they’re ALL rapists. I have hired many as maids in my hotels! I am such a help to them. He even posted a picture eating a taco bowl on Cinco de Mayo to show his touching support. He also assured the American people that he would never sexually assault a woman. He said those women are not attractive enough for me to want to sexually assault them! What a relief. He’s also said, Look I have many fabulous gay friends and I’m okay with them. Wow you trooper. I guess that makes up for the fact that your vice president tries to electrocute the gay out of people in gay conversion therapy. Anyways, regardless of these minor slip ups, Trump pretty much stuck to his plan of running the most memorable and most offensive, insulting and un-American campaign in history.
So don’t make the mistake I made and be angry with Trump and his supporters! I have seen the light. This man is doing a public service. He is doing all of this for the benefit of America. If you look past the racism going on right now, you will see the silver lining. You see, if Trump wins, he will get on that stage and say, “America, YOU’VE JUST BEEN PUNKED! (and then Ashton Kutcher will pop out with his camera). He’ll say, “I wanted to bring together all the people who had racist thoughts hiding in their head before, or even those who were comfortable supporting someone with these thoughts and so on all together so that we could gather and establish that America has a problem. I spent this entire campaign tirelessly working to come up with the most ridiculous comments any person can say and I still won this thing. How sad is that? Come on America. Now you know better for next time to have higher standards for your presidential candidate. Thank you and good day” *drops mic. Then, after this jaw dropping moment, Americans will take years analyzing the situation. History books years from now will talk about the moment America almost made the most disastrous decision that would take them 100 steps back in history. And from reading the history of this event, Americans will forever be cautious not to make a similar mistake. After hundreds of years pass, less and less Americans will be prone to supporting racism and as a result, America will be better. So the truth of the matter is that America in fact, will be great again thanks to Donald Trump. See what he did there?